Should toddler bed time = Mummy bed time?

I have noticed recently that many of the toddler mums that I talk to (both through social media and in real life) seem to be going to bed at the same as their children each evening. In fact it was beginning to feel like I'm the anomaly for actually wanting to spend my evening in grown up company, or doing something for myself. This evening time feels so important to my sense of self, my mental health and wellbeing, and my relationships with my partner and my friends, so I wanted to find out why other mums don't seem to need or want this. What are the pros and cons for going to bed when your baby or toddler does?

Simultaneous bedtime routines for mothers and toddlers do offer several potential benefits. Firstly, it nurtures a strong parent-child bond by providing an opportunity for intimate moments, such as bedtime stories or cuddling, which can enhance emotional connection and feelings of security.

I would add though that most non co-sleeping parents do still give their child this cuddle and story time before leaving the room, and for us in particular this routine is shared between mum and dad so we both get bonding time with our little one.

Additionally, sharing the same sleep schedule may promote better sleep hygiene for mothers and toddlers, leading to improved sleep quality for them both. I must admit that by enjoying my evenings with my partner and friends I do often only get 5-6hrs sleep a night.

Synchronized bedtimes can be said to create a sense of routine and predictability, contributing to a more structured family life and reduced nighttime disruptions, although again I feel that this sense of routine and predictability can also be achieved with a set practice that includes me leaving the room once my child is settled. 

While simultaneous bedtime routines do have their advantages, they can also present  challenges. One potential drawback is the limited time available for mothers to engage in personal activities, self-care, or spending quality time with their partners. Going to bed early may reduce opportunities for personal growth, hobbies, or pursuing individual interests, which can affect the mother's sense of independant self. If the mother's sleep schedule is primarily dictated by the toddler's bedtime, it may limit the time available for the couple to engage in adult conversations, intimacy, or pursue their own interests. This discrepancy in sleep patterns and limited quality time can potentially strain the relationship and result in feelings of frustration or disconnection.

Many men can already feel pushed out and disconnected from their partners after having a baby, or feel that they aren't forming as strong a bond with the baby as the mother is. Sleeping apart from them both for months (or sometimes even years) can escalate these feelings. Many women also struggle with body image after having a child, and losing their physical relationship with their partner can make this much more difficult to overcome.

For most families at least one member goes out to work in the day, so if the couple doesn't spend the evening together either they get practically no time to enjoy each other's company, and remember why they chose each other in the first place. 

While the adoption of simultaneous bedtime can foster a strong sense of maternal identity and provide an opportunity for nurturing and bonding, it may also lead to a loss of personal identity for the mother. Prioritizing the toddler's sleep routine over personal interests and self-care activities can make mothers feel overwhelmed or isolated, as their own needs and desires take a backseat. Of course our children do come first but we are important too, and anything that negatively impacts our mental health is going to have a knock on affect on the quality of our parenting. Maintaining a balance between being a dedicated parent and preserving one's individuality is essential for a mother's overall well being.

I am not here to tell you that co-sleeping is wrong or that my way is better than yours, but just to remind you to consider the whole families needs. If you find that it works for you having dad sleep alone and mother share with baby, fine. If you get more sleep by going to bed at 8 and therefore have more patience because you don't feel exhausted all the time, that must ne nice! If you still manage to find time to be intimate with your partner, good effort!

For me, my partner and I were friends before having kids, and making time to enjoy our friendship is crucial to our relationship. We enjoy the intimacy of sharing a bed and feel this brings us closer together as a couple, especially as we often talk up until the point we fall asleep. As a neurospicy mum I also suffer chronic overwhelm if I do not get some time to myself, or just to do the things that I find fun/relaxing/grounding. Having a toddler on my body all day AND all night is just too much, and causes me to become  overstimulated and impatient (not my best mum self).

Do you go to bed with your baby/toddler? I'd love to hear the thoughts of other neurodivergent and neurotypical mums and dads on this, so please do comment, email, or find me on instagram @s.s.c.keepsakes